Watching our first snow fall

Lemon Skewers

"You're a busy girl; getting your house painted and taking out the trash all in one day" The stranger said with a hacking laugh.
"Ha, ya, not much effort on my part with the house; but it sure is looking good! I'm sorry, are you their brother?"
"Hell no. I'm Patties boyfriend. Brian. The brother is in side"
"Oh ok, yeah I knew he was going to be flying into town soon, so he could - well spend some time with Marriane"
"Well, Marriane died yesterday".

...........

And so it began. Prayers rushing through my head. Through my heart.
Questions.
Shock.
Relief.
Sorrow.
Regret.
A desire to comfort.
silence.
affection.

I walked inside passed Brian and the grilling lemon beef skewers on the porch without knocking.

And just hugged her.

"God you smell amazing" Patty exclaimed as playing with my hair.
"I just got out of a Lavender bath"
"Shit, I thought I smelt good. Look at me - I finally showered. But smell me, I don't smell anything like that"

I spend hours there. I could write down so much, but frankly I'd rather keep it closer to my heart than (paper).

What a messed up family. A broken, screwed up piece of work. His piece of work. And they have screwed it up. We have screwed it up. Thats not what Family is suppose to look like.
Still, with so much energy, life and happiness. Still part of the imago Dei; it makes them a beautifully broken people.

Dear God.

The hospital bed was gone. There were actually couches in the living room again. The whole house was 'clean'. It was weird. I miss her.
And I was just getting to know Marriane.

Brian gave me way too much food to eat. It was amazing; a scrumptious Norwegian lemon sauce drizzled over rice and kabobs. Patty gave me frozen zuccine bread, a smoke, pineapple rum, and a cat toy for Thor.

I helped them look for a new house to live in. Well, a trailer. If anyone is selling their 30 ft trailer home for 3,000 bucks let me know - I have a buyer.
They might be loosing their house. Their grandparents built it in the 20's.
If they loose it, if Patty looses it, its because Her brother has sold it, and refused to let her live in a house that is fully paid for, and owed by the family.

Dan loves money. (says Patty)
He went to college.
He has a job.
The only one in the family.
The executor of estate.
Gets to do whatever he wants with mommies things.

So Patty will live in a trailer; with Brain. Whom shes tried to dump 2 months ago.
"The man won't go away. Says he loves me. Hes a good man, he just drinks too much."

I went out on the porch, into the kitchen, in the back room, &c. with Patty.
We followed each other around. Kept on saying how much we liked each other.
We talked. She cried. I tried not to.

God.

She needs a God to let her know their is something. Something.
Something better then what she knows.
She has been living in death.
Death is what Patty has been living, dreaming and breathing the past few months.

God give her life.
I dont want her to go the way Marriane went.
God I miss her. I didnt even know her.

I'm buying Patty Lavender soap tomorrow.

Corporate prob does it just to get a laugh at the smaller man...

Fred Myer's paper bags lead to public displays of embarrassment. Second time now it has ripped open in the st. as I walk home.

Before Its too far past.....

These are things made, experienced, accomplished and thus and so in the summer of 2009.



......I graduated with a BA in Religion (concentration; Pastoral Studies) with some of the best friends ill ever have!
...........................................................................................................................................................



Canned, picked, baked and cooked the summer away....


eh... who am I kidding. Summer is long gone, and this is just way way too much effort to arrange photos that resist being arranged. Dang blog layout.
Anyways, I love summer.... but I am enjoying Fall for the first time in three years now. Therefore revisiting a season that is past seems pointless right now.

So, I shall bask in the beauty of my new city, and to me, this long lost season of Autumn!!

I handed her the cancer stick, and watched her die

Marianne was born in that house, and will die in that house. She says she has two more weeks to live; she can feel it coming to an end.
I heard this for the first time from her drunk sister; through her tears. Her tears and defensive laughter, as we stand on the porch and thank each other for being such amazing neighbors.
Ive just moved into the neighborhood, and tonight a got a beautiful, and painful gimps of what it will look like to be a loving neighbor to these sisters.

Patty, and Marianne, and their little sister (RIP).

They smoke, get cancer, smoke on their death bed and die.
And I?
I help.
I hold the cancer stick to Marianne's mouth and watch her inhale her lethal love.
I lite the cigarette, take a few drags, taste the glorious death and pass it to her. Except she can't hold it, because she has lost all mobility in her limbs.

The cancer started in her lungs. Then moved to her spine and has slowly been demobilizing her. First her legs. Then her neck. Now her arms.
So I bring the fag to her lips and let her inhale.
I lift her arms up to help her stretch. I bring pop to her mouth to quench her thirst. I adjust her pillow to get rid of the pain, and move her hospital bed so she will stop drowning in her film.
She has lost all her Independence, and so she cries. She cries to the stranger in her house because shes so utterly scared. Scared to death.

Marianne asked me for a shot gun, so she could kill herself tonight.

Smoking has never bothered me before. Good friends of mine have smoked, family, men Ive dated; ones I've loved, and love. Never have I asked them to stop. Its their prerogative. Its their body. And its thier decision. I respect them. I love them. No matter what.

Tonight, while I took a drag of the all too familiar Marlboro Light and put it in a dieing woman's mouth; in front of the sweet 7th grade neighbor; I hesitated.
It bothered me for the first time.
I wanted to lie to her and tell her I couldn't find the lighter. I felt wrong. Confused. I was willingly being apart of a murder. A murder that started decades ago. At this point, I'm not apart of anything that hadn't already happened in full force.
Her body has been taken over already. She will die soon. Im now helping ease the pain. Giving her a taste of a familiar comfort.

You know, it wouldn't have been a lie. I couldn't find the lighter in their cluttered house. So that could have been the end of my conflicted thought.
No. Not for me though.
I went next door, unlocked my new house, grabbed some matches and came back to her in her hospital bed, and I lit one up for her. And we shared a cigarette.
Without regret.
But not without sadness.
Not without questions.

"I wish you had moved in two years ago" She says in a haggared voice.
"Why's that?" I ask.
"Because I would have like to have gotten to know you"
"We have all night, I'm not going anywhere until your sister gets back. Tell me about your self"
and so the hours of conversation began.

I left the house having given a cigarette kiss.
That's coming from a woman that has only ever received them before.

I am so deeply moved that I happened to stumbled upon this evening.
I plan on having many more; nights of truth and cigarette kisses.