Crying At Work

Ive been sick for the past month or so; but violently ill for the last two weeks. There were times where I got extremely scared. Times where my mom found me collapsed on the bathroom floor, and times; most recently where I feel like I'm aloud to live again!
Im not trying to be overly dramatic. I honestly have been wrecked by the havic my body has been going through. Or perhaps more apropriatly put; the havic the Dr. put me through when she missed diagnosed me and caused me to spread Staph infection all over my body. Staph can be deadly, espcially when gone untreated. So naturally having that much all my body, and for weeks without being treated properly over kinda put me into a haze for quite some time.
Thank God for Moms and Dads to take care of you. Thank God for family Dr.s that actually know their stuff, to finally help me heal!

This is not a post about nasty soars all over my body. Cause that's just disgusting, and I don't want to think about it anymore. This is a post about Romy.

Romy is 2 1/2. I see her 5 days a week at Blossom House Nursery, and we have a deep love and attachment for each other.
Yes, in this photo she is wearing a Ramones t-shirt, paired with my boots. Seriously, one of the funniest kids around! She brightens every room. I stinking adore her.
As I was out sick from my Preschool the past two weeks I was informed that Romy's mom has gotten a job in LA. They are moving this Thursday.

When I came back to work on Monday I walked into the school to see a huge sign, hand painted by 2 yr olds that said "Welcome Back Desirae". I cried a little, but didn't let anyone see it.
I got hugs and kisses from sweet little kids I havent seen for weeks. But I held in the tears.
Although the job can be extremely stressful, and emotionally draining Ive never cried at work before. I wont let myself. Its my job to create a peaceful environment. Its my job. I don't want to cry at my job. I cry enough. I don't need to cry at work.

Today, being Tuesday was my second day back at work, and third day back to life in Portland. I was excited to get back, and thought w/out a dought that I was healing up very quickly. Working from 8-5, going out to Hopworks with Romy and Westons families w. my lead teachers from 5-9, and then going to the Bagdad Pub from 9-12 w/ Lisa, Jess and Karli last night seemed like a great idea. I had tons of energy, and was just so excited to see everyone again, and live life!

Eat, drink and be merry right?

This morning though - my body told me otherwise. I over did it. TOOO much excitement and energy for this sick lady!

After being at work for two hrs, and laying down in a bed upstairs for half that time because I felt so sick again I was sent home by my teachers. :)

As I was finishing up some details in the kitchen Romy came in.
She ran to me, grabbed my leg and screamed "DESIRAE!" I felt the tears come.
"Where are you going!?" She asked with concern
"Hi sweetie! I'm going to go home. Miss Desirae is feeling really sick, and I need to rest" I said while holding onto her and looking into her sweet brown eyes.
"Are you coming back!?"
"Yes hunny, I'll come back tomorrow"
"I love you Desirae."
I started to cry
She then gave me a huge hug that squeezed even more tears out of me.
I pulled away and looked at her, "Romy, I love you too."
"I love you so much." she replied, and then kissed me on my lips.

I lost it.

I was just pridefully telling Jess last night that I had never cried at work.
I have now 100%, no questions asked cried at work. For all to see. Kids, teachers; they all saw Miss Desirae cry today as she said goodbye to the kids and went home.


I love her so much. I can't even express it. Honestly, she reminds me so much of my little cousins its ridiculous.

That moment was beautiful, and I had to share it.
Goodnight all.
May the Lord grant you rest.

I found a beautiful Photographer

http://www.ashleymaxwellphoto.com/index2.php

She did a friend of a friends wedding recently... She captures just the look and style I love. I fell in love with the south this past summer. The music, the BBQs, the trees, the picnics, the fireflies, the country... Its beautiful. Quite like a dream. That's def not all she does. She does many things apart from capturing things found in the deep South, but I fell in love with her work because of the southern feel to some of her photos I stumbled upon....

I'm healing. It hurts. But rawness only leads to newness if cared for properly. So I'm embracing this pain; knowing it will lead to life.

Tonight...

Someone I've just met said "I love your laugh, it makes me want to meet an angel". And he was full of laughter all night, you could tell he really treasured it.
This made me feel wonderful.

Watching our first snow fall

Lemon Skewers

"You're a busy girl; getting your house painted and taking out the trash all in one day" The stranger said with a hacking laugh.
"Ha, ya, not much effort on my part with the house; but it sure is looking good! I'm sorry, are you their brother?"
"Hell no. I'm Patties boyfriend. Brian. The brother is in side"
"Oh ok, yeah I knew he was going to be flying into town soon, so he could - well spend some time with Marriane"
"Well, Marriane died yesterday".

...........

And so it began. Prayers rushing through my head. Through my heart.
Questions.
Shock.
Relief.
Sorrow.
Regret.
A desire to comfort.
silence.
affection.

I walked inside passed Brian and the grilling lemon beef skewers on the porch without knocking.

And just hugged her.

"God you smell amazing" Patty exclaimed as playing with my hair.
"I just got out of a Lavender bath"
"Shit, I thought I smelt good. Look at me - I finally showered. But smell me, I don't smell anything like that"

I spend hours there. I could write down so much, but frankly I'd rather keep it closer to my heart than (paper).

What a messed up family. A broken, screwed up piece of work. His piece of work. And they have screwed it up. We have screwed it up. Thats not what Family is suppose to look like.
Still, with so much energy, life and happiness. Still part of the imago Dei; it makes them a beautifully broken people.

Dear God.

The hospital bed was gone. There were actually couches in the living room again. The whole house was 'clean'. It was weird. I miss her.
And I was just getting to know Marriane.

Brian gave me way too much food to eat. It was amazing; a scrumptious Norwegian lemon sauce drizzled over rice and kabobs. Patty gave me frozen zuccine bread, a smoke, pineapple rum, and a cat toy for Thor.

I helped them look for a new house to live in. Well, a trailer. If anyone is selling their 30 ft trailer home for 3,000 bucks let me know - I have a buyer.
They might be loosing their house. Their grandparents built it in the 20's.
If they loose it, if Patty looses it, its because Her brother has sold it, and refused to let her live in a house that is fully paid for, and owed by the family.

Dan loves money. (says Patty)
He went to college.
He has a job.
The only one in the family.
The executor of estate.
Gets to do whatever he wants with mommies things.

So Patty will live in a trailer; with Brain. Whom shes tried to dump 2 months ago.
"The man won't go away. Says he loves me. Hes a good man, he just drinks too much."

I went out on the porch, into the kitchen, in the back room, &c. with Patty.
We followed each other around. Kept on saying how much we liked each other.
We talked. She cried. I tried not to.

God.

She needs a God to let her know their is something. Something.
Something better then what she knows.
She has been living in death.
Death is what Patty has been living, dreaming and breathing the past few months.

God give her life.
I dont want her to go the way Marriane went.
God I miss her. I didnt even know her.

I'm buying Patty Lavender soap tomorrow.

Corporate prob does it just to get a laugh at the smaller man...

Fred Myer's paper bags lead to public displays of embarrassment. Second time now it has ripped open in the st. as I walk home.